Fun in the Sun
by Surviving Sheika
Summary: The Cullens head off for summer vacation, but what will happen when everyone is left out in the sun for days? Sunburns, sandcastles, surfing, and a robot massacre? Beach and summer shenanigans ensue! Rated to be safe
1. Idiots On A Plane

**Hello everyone, and welcome to Sheika and Friend's newest Twilight mockery story! This one takes place in the summertime and uses a little plot device from the last chapter of VOL. If you haven't (and don't intend) to read VOL here's a quick recap. The Cullens had a series of challenges that Bella won. Her prize was one wish, she could ask for anything but she unknowingly gave that wish to Edward later in the day. So he decided to exchange it for some "Fun in the Sun" so without further ado, we give you: OUR NEWEST STORY~**

**Twilight and all characters technically (c) Stephanie Meyer**

**Fun in the Sun**

Chapter 1 – Idiots on a Plane

BPOV

"No," I said, staring at Alice. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

"Nobody can do the Shing-a-Ling, like I do," Emmett, Edward, Carlisle and Jasper sang.

"There is no way you're taking me away to some strange island in the middle of no where for a beach vacation!"

"Thanks for summarizing the last ten minutes of our discussion, Captain Repetitive," Alice said. "And yes, we are! We, well, _I_ talked to Charlie and he thinks it would be a great idea."

"Well that's too bad because I absolutely refuse! I know it's the summer time so you think that you can just whisk me away whenever you want but that's not true! I have summer homework, and you do, too. So you can forget about me going with you, no matter how much Esme pleads or Edward dazzles or you and Rosalie threaten. I won't go." I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at Alice defiantly.

"Oh come on, Bella, I'm sure we'll be able to blackmail you with something. What if we tell Charlie what you've been up to recently?"

I smiled at Alice with smug satisfaction. "Go ahead and try. I had a feeling that something would be coming up this summer and I knew you'd try to blackmail me so I've purposely stayed out of trouble. It was finals recently so I've been studying away from you guys. There's nothing you can blackmail me with!"

Alice scowled. We still have old tricks up our sleeves; just you wait and see Isabella Swan." Alice turned and stalked off and for once I felt like I had beaten her, of course this kind of satisfaction wouldn't last for long as Alice never gave up but I could certainly enjoy this while it lasted. I went and found Edward, who was sitting in the living room celebrating the end of school with Jasper and Emmett.

"Edward, can you drop me off at home? Charlie's expecting me tonight; he wants to have a little celebration for finishing school."

"Of course, Bella love." Edward scooped me up and kissed me before carrying me out to his car and driving me towards home. For once it looked like everything was going normally, there were no schemes, nobody was screaming, and we were acting like normal, rational people. It felt pretty strange, actually. Edward dropped me off and I kissed him goodbye before heading inside. Charlie had ordered pizza and was looking sufficiently awkward waiting for me at the table.

"Congratulations, Bells," he said, hugging me quickly and then clearing his throat and slicing the pizza. We ate in general silence until Charlie's phone buzzed. "I should, uh," he looked panicked. "I'll take this upstairs." He gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head and then bolted from the kitchen. "Love you, Bells."

I sat in confusion for a minute before everything went black. I heard the door bang against the wall and it felt like someone was tying something around the back of my head and then I heard the unmistakable swish of a pillowcase sliding over my head. Then someone was grabbing me by the shoulders and pushing me through the house. I heard someone yell "WATCH OUT" and then I was stubbing my toe on the coffee table.

"Watch it, Cullen," I yelled. I didn't know who was guiding me, they all felt cold, but who else would be kidnapping me so late in the day? Heck, who would be kidnapping me at all?

After bumping into a few more things scattered about the room, we managed to get outside and I was pushed into the backseat of someone's car. I heard a buckle click and then we were off. I must have been in Emmett's Hummer because I could hear a lot of other voices around me all yelling about where to go and what turn to take.

"No, that's not right!"

"Look at the map!"

"Don't turn left here, turn right. _Right!_"

"Look, just pull over, we'll figure this out." I felt the car jerk to a stop and the sound of a map crinkling. "Alright, we're here."

"No, that's not where we are, that's a different street."

"Are we near a river? There's a river on the map but I don't see any river."

"Are we on the highway?"

"Of course we're on the highway you idiot."

"There's no highway on the map."

"Why does this map say Portugal on it?" There was a long silence after that followed by the sound of someone crumpling the map and we shot forward again.

APOV

Okay so the map was a terrible idea, I could have told them that, but once we ditched it we managed to get to the airport without any problems. Well, with only one problem.

"You know, guys, I know how to get to the airport," Bella said, accidentally banging her head against the window in an attempt to lean closer to the driver. "Charlie picked me up when I first came here and I remember which way to go. Really, I don't-"

"Hey Bella," I said, "Would you mind ducking for a minute?"

"What?"

I didn't have time to explain, I just shoved Bella's head down below the window and tried to look as normal as possible as we passed by a police car on patrol and then the police station, every member of which seemed to be standing outside and watching us go by. Luckily none of them were very concerned, I doubt many of them even noticed us, we were flying by in true Cullen fashion. But that wasn't the end of our worries, for some reason the airport seemed to have a problem with us bringing Bella on board with a pillowcase over her head.

"Edward."

"Check." Edward glided over to the woman taking the tickets and, leaning on the desk to give her his best angle, said softly in the seductive voice we had been training him to use, "Are you sure you couldn't make this one little exception for us? A pretty woman like you must have no problem bending the rules a little."

"Beat it, greasy hair," the lady barked, completely unaffected by Edward's flirtation. "I have no time for stupid teenagers who think they can bend the rules just because they've got red hair, amber eyes and pale skin. Bella started laughing from under her pillowcase. She couldn't see it but Edward was shooting her a death glare. He stormed over next to me and bent down so his mouth was roughly level with Bella's ear.

"You should be happy that she doesn't like me. You should be jealous that I was flirting with her!"

"Oh Edward, how could I be jealous," she said, her voice muffled by the pillowcase. "You weren't even flirting with her!"

"Yes, I was," he growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were just making fun of Jacob, with all those growl noises and that scrunched face I know you have on when you try to flirt."

Edward scowled and went to stand next to Esme who patted him comfortingly on the shoulder and wisely not to suggest he practice flirting a little more before he tried to use it on people.

"Can I help you, sir," the woman asked, staring pointedly, and dreamily, at Carlisle. "Is there anything you need? Ticket upgrade to first class? Complimentary pedicure or manicure on board the plane? Hot towel, massage, gourmet food, or your choice of in-flight movie? Maybe you're looking for a girlfriend?"

"I'm married," Carlisle said, looking rather uncomfortable.

"A mistress, then?"

"_Happily_ married."

"Not for long! I want a divorce," Esme said. "There, no go flirt with her lover-boy and get Bella on the plane."

Carlisle was dumbfounded at how quickly Esme was willing to sell him out and for a moment didn't move. With a little "encouragement" from Esme, though, he was leaning across the desk and charming the woman into letting Bella on board with the pillowcase on.

EmPOV

While Carlisle was busy disgracing his marriage vows in support of a more realistic kidnapping, I pulled Jasper aside and suggested a little game to keep us occupied on the two-hour flight.

"Hey Jasper, how would you like to have a little contest?"

"Of course!"

"Let's see who can be the most annoying on the plane ride!"

"You're on!"

We waited until everyone was on the plane, until Bella had settled in and accepted that she would not be able to see anything for quite a while and waited until we were free to move around again before we started in with the mayhem. I started off by pretending I needed to "stretch my legs" a bit.

EPOV

Who needs an in-flight movie when you have siblings like Emmett and Jasper? Granted, I'm sure the rest of the plane would have been much happier with the cheesy out-dated movie but for us, there's nothing better than watching Emmett and Jasper make complete fools of themselves. None of us were surprised when Emmett starting screaming and running up and down the aisles and throwing rubber snakes at everybody. Several people burst into tears, one vomited in sheer terror and one of the flight attendants locked herself in the private bathroom.

"Don't worry, I'll save you," Jasper yelled to no one in particular. He pulled a super soaker out of his carry-on bag and started shooting jets of freezing water at anyone or anything that was near a snake. By the time he had run out of water nearly everyone was drenched, except for one flight attendant who had been banging on the bathroom door where her friend was hiding. She managed to escape dry.

Emmett and Jasper locked eyes from either end of the aisle. Then, with fierce war cries, they ran towards each other, giant squeaky hammers brandished. Everyone cringed through a full minute of squeaky hammers and rubber sliding over rubber. Then Jasper pulled a fluffy orange tabby cat out of his pants, how it got there in the first place we'll never know, and began playing it like a bag pipe. The cat, obviously, was not prepared to be played like a bagpipe and began wailing loudly and clawing at Jasper's face.

"Oh yeah? Release the frogs!" Emmett threw open one of the overhead compartments and about twenty or thirty frogs leaped out, landing on people, in food, and smashing into windows. Several children were crying, the same person as earlier was vomiting in terror again and there was a crowd of terrified flight attendants huddled in the back of the plane. As if this wasn't enough chaos, Emmett began to play Bella like a bongo drum, smacking her stomach and adding in drum sound effects.

"Emmett, don't," Bella moaned, just before she vomited all of Emmett's pants. Emmett made a face and backed away from Bella. He stared down at his ruined pants for a moment and then seemed to get what he thought was brilliant idea.

He quickly stripped out of his pants, much to the delight of a girl somewhere in the back of the plane. "Take off you shirt next," she yelled, cheering all the while. Never one to disappoint, Emmett tore off his shirt and threw it back to the girl, whose cheering increased. Emmett then dug a lighter out of his carry-on bag and set his pants on fire. By this time there was complete chaos on the plane, people were screaming and crying and vomiting uncontrollably in terror. The flight attendants had fled to all parts of the plane, some even crowding into the cockpit. And, finally, someone began to wonder what was going on.

The co-pilot, after making sure that everything would be okay for the moment stormed out to see what was going on. "What's going on? What are you _doing_? Hey," The co-pilot starting screaming when Emmett suddenly bit him in the arm.

"That's it," Rosalie yelled, jumping up from her seat. "Emmett Cullen you've caused enough trouble for one plane ride. You're going into the Prison Cell!"

"Prison cell," Bella asked. "What kind of plane are we _on_?"

"A Very Cullen Plane, Bella," Esme said, "Don't forget, we're rich and own hundreds of things you don't even know about. Like this airline, for instance."

"Wait a minute," Carlisle said, "If we own this airline, _then why did I have to flirt with the ticket lady to get Bella on board?_"

"Because, dear, I wanted to see if you'd ever flirt with someone else. And now that you have, I get to punish you later." Esme smiled broadly but Carlisle just looked worried. He gulped and tried to move a little farther away from his wife.

BPOV

Once Emmett was locked up and Jasper was kept occupied with Alice, the rest of the flight went pretty smoothly. Edward and I chatted and he read to me from a couple books to keep me entertained. Then we were touching down and I was back to shuffling along. My fear reached a new height, however when I got onto the boat.

"You know," Rosalie said, "I can't help but feel like we're forgetting something." There was a pause and then, "Oh, I must be thinking of all the luggage. They're sending it after us because it couldn't all make it in one trip."

"And speaking of trips," Alice said just as I lost my footing and, with true Bella style, fell face first into the ocean. And even more horrifying was the fact that it took them a full twenty seconds for them to realize I fell in and come save me!

"Edward," I sputtered as he dragged me out of the water. "Edward what were you _doing?_"

"Eh? _No hablo ingles, Senorita."_

"What . . . Edward? Where are we?"

EmPOV

"Hello? Is anybody there? Come on, I can't break out of this thing alone! _It would be suspicious_. Hello? Did you forget about me? Wait a minute, we're taking off again? HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?"


	2. Panty Parade in Paradise

**Hi again! We had fun with this chapter, and next chapter everyone's favorite mockery is going to make a surprise appearance! Because frankly, this story wouldn't be part of our series if we didn't include this very special guest of honor. But enough about something hairy, noisy and pants-less, more about this chapter. I probably had too much fun with it, and we were just waiting to use some of these gags. More hilarity to come . . . eventually!**

**All characters (c) Stephanie Meyer, though I doubt any of this would have happened in their original world**

Chapter 2 – Panty Parade in Paradise

BPOV

After I had been fished out of the water and strapped into a seat, a life vest, snorkel, flippers, floaty wings and been given several foam noodles to hold onto the Cullens decided I would be safe enough and started to explain what had been going on.

"You see, Bella love," Edward began, "We couldn't jump in and save you because-WOAH." The boat started with a jerk and I bumped against the back of my seat. Then we were off with a roar, speeding towards whatever island the Cullens had found. Judging by the splash and his scream as we sped off, Edward had not been prepared and fell into the ocean and had been left behind. Seizing this opportunity for revenge I quickly stood up and steadied myself on Alice, who had realized my plan.

"Bye, Eddie, have a good night! Don't let the sharks and squids bite! If you survive, you're welcome to try and find us!"

I couldn't see him but I could feel Edward scowling at our backs, well, that and the fact that Alice whispered to me that he was scowling. Oh yeah, this was going to be a fun vacation.

EPOV

Great, now what was I supposed to do? I knew where we were going but I had no idea how to get there, no one except for Carlisle and Esme had been there before. I floated around for a little while, trying to figure out what to do and then decided I might as well get something done and start swimming so I sunk down beneath the waves and, since there were no other human or vampire eyes around, began swimming around like a dolphin. It didn't take long for me to realize I was as clumsy in the water as Bella was on land. After five minutes my foot had gotten scratched by fire coral three times, creating an unpleasant tingling in my foot, two turtles and eight piranhas, who didn't belong in these waters, had bitten off pieces of my pants and shirt and a swarm of puffer fish made off with my rubber sandals.

A passing crab pinched my ear and cut off most of the hair on the left side of my head and a couple clown fish had taken up residence swimming in between what little hair I had left. A moray eel had wrapped itself around my left leg, a dozen shrimp were attached to my right arm and a baby squid was clinging to my chest, periodically squirting me in the face with ink. Thankfully I was saved by a group of passing dolphins.

"Oh thank goodness," I said. "Maybe these guys can help me. Now if only I could remember Jasper's lessons about how to speak in dolphin. Oh, what was that name that all dolphins respond to? Flounder? No. Oh, wait, I remember!"

Dolphin's Point of View

"Hollow Shamu," the strange, talking coral monster said.

"Who's Shamu," I asked to no one in particular.

"I don't know," someone replied.

"It's some whale they captured and force to perform tricks. I remember seeing him once down near Florida."

"Oh. Hey guys, why is the coral still talking to us?"

"Seaweed if I know!"

"I am tentacle grape you dolphins need more platypus. Evil lizard and the potato from last hermit crab. We eat sea slugs?" The talking coral monster looked at us hopefully. We looked at one another and it would appear that no one could understand what he was saying. The coral monster looked worried. It made a face that was quickly obscured by a cloud of ink and said slowly and as clearly as it could, "Island. Sparkling. Help monkeys lost. We go?"

We turned to our group leader, after all it was his decision who we would help and who was dangerous and not to be trusted. The group leader surveyed the talking coral monster for a long minute and then turned to us. "Clearly this creature was abandoned by its mother and has minimal knowledge of survival. Therefore we will temporarily adopt it and lead it back to its home on the Sometimes Island Home of the Sparkling Creatures with the One Who Fights Sharks and Calls Them Water-Bears."

EPOV

I think my enormous flattery of the dolphins paid off. They welcomed me into the group and took special care to make sure that I was always guarded and taken care of. At least someone realized how important I was and that I deserved to be pampered. After a couple of hours I was well adjusted to life with the dolphins and even began acting like them. I was leaping out of the waves with them, poking around for food with them, attempted to mate with them, something that was widely and unanimously rejected, and even scaring off sharks with them and saving some unsuspecting fishermen and the occasional surfer.

"Hay Dios mio, es un vampiresa!"

"Iay m ay ot nay a nay ampire vay!"

"HAY DIOS MIO, UN DELFÍN ESTA HABLANDO PIG LATIN!"

"Aww, crap."

And that's how I started the legend of the vampire dolphin that speaks Pig Latin. What? You've never heard of it? Well if you head down to an island in the middle of nowhere you're sure to hear it from the local people. You might want to bring a Pig Latin to English dictionary, though, for whatever reason I couldn't understand what they were saying. It all just sounded like "No hablo su lengua. Yo hablo Español."

Anyway, I settled into a peaceful life with the dolphins and forgot all about the family that abandoned me in the ocean two long hours ago.

EmPOV

I finally gave up on anyone coming back and finding me in the prison cell. The only other things that were back here were giant boxes filled with old Thigh Masters from the 1980s and go-go boots so it was clear that no one had been back here in a long, long time. So I made quick work of bending the bars and sneaking up into the cargo area. That was empty, too, except for one suitcase my family seemed to have forgotten.

I hurried over, thinking that maybe something inside could help me, or at least that I could use to embarrass or blackmail someone in my family. When I opened it up I found the jackpot. "Thank goodness Jasper packed," I said, a malicious gleam already appearing in my eye. Had anyone been around at the time, they would have heard a chilling sinister laugh.

Flight Attendant's POV

I shivered as I closed one of the overhead compartments. A cold chill had just run down my spine, something that only ever happens when someone near me laughs maliciously. But no one appeared to be planning sinister plots. Maybe it had something to do with that flight I was on earlier, the one that was going to South America. There were two strange boys who were having a fight in the aisle, throwing rubber snakes and trying to beat each other for the title of "Most Annoying Person" while on the plane. Still, how could something from that plane follow me halfway across the globe to China, where my new plane was about to take off?

I didn't know and I knew I would never find out. I did know something, however. "_The laugh was coming from inside the plane_."

The man sitting in his seat across the aisle from where I was standing grabbed onto the shoulders of the woman sitting next to him and said, "I love you, Lisa," and kissed her ferociously.

Lisa, however, was a fellow flight attendant and happened to be nearby and slapped the man across the face. "It's over," she spat before storming away angrily.

BPOV

The ride to our next destination was actually quite short; it only took a few minutes and was just long enough for us to play two games of twenty questions. Alice won both times but the rest of us were always close to the answer. Rosalie said that she was thinking of something hairy, noisy and pants-less, who knew she was talking about Newton and not Chewbacca from Star Wars? Then the Cullens were helping me off the boat again and this time I found myself on dry land. Dry, sandy land. I heard Jasper and Carlisle unloading the luggage and then the boats sped away.

"Ah, we're just in time," Esme said. "Bella, you are about to see the most beautiful sunrise of your life." I felt the pillowcase being tugged off my hand and then the blindfold was slowly loosened and taken away. I blinked a few times, my eyes adjusting to gentle pre-dawn light. It was just light enough for me to make out my surroundings. A soft, endless beach with lush green grass and a small forest of trees behind it and beyond that rising curves and faint lights of a . . .

"Is that an amusement park in the distance?"

"Yep, I'll explain that later, keep looking around."

I continued my 360 degree view and noticed a shallow stretch of water that connected this island with another one roughly the same size a short ways away. This island was similar to the first but there were fewer trees and there seemed to be a pathway in the middle, perhaps leading up to a house, since there didn't seem to be one on this island.

"It's beautiful," I said. "But where are we?"

"Bella, welcome to Isle Esme and Isle Carlisle!"

"Wow," I said, at a loss for words, looking around the lush islands. "Wait; is it okay for you guys to be out here?"

"Oh yes, it's completely deserted, we own the islands and no one comes near here unless we call for the boat. We're completely safe."

"Cool. Oh, look at that sunrise!" I turned and saw Rosalie, Alice and Jasper lined up on the shore line, shoes behind them, feet in the water, watching the sun rise over the horizon, their skin already glimmering. I rushed over and got a wonderful surprise. "There are even dolphins!" I squinted out into the distance until Esme handed me a pair of binoculars, smiling serenely. I held the binoculars up to my eyes and got a better look at the dolphins. "Wait a minute," I said, as they jumped out of the water. "One of those looks kind of funny."

"Give me those," Rosalie said. She squinted out at the dolphins for a minute. "Oh good," she said. "It's not Emmett, you know that almost seems like the kind of thing he'd do."

"No, Emmett wouldn't do that," Carlisle said. "He'd go for something we would be sure to notice." We all looked expectantly towards the sky, waiting to see if Emmett would suddenly appear. "Guess not," Carlisle sighed. He passed the binoculars back to me and said, "That's not what Emmett would do. That's something that-"

"Edward," I screamed.

"Yes, Edward would be the one to do that."

"Or me," Jasper piped up.

"No, sweetie, you'd have a sequined fish costume if it were you."

Jasper smiled and laughed, "You know me so well." He kissed Alice.

"No," I said. "I mean that's _Edward_ out there in the ocean with the dolphins!"

"WHAT," everyone yelled in unison. Sure enough, that was Edward and once we all started shouting and making a human pyramid, with Alice holding a fog horn and a flood light on top, he finally started making his way towards us. He stopped before he reached the shore and said something to the dolphins in some strange language and then splashed in way in towards us.

"I'm so glad I finally found you," he gasped. Up close we could see that he was covered in sea life, his pants were all but gone, his shirt had gaping, jagged holes in it and he was missing half of his hair. "I have been swimming for _weeks_ and I didn't know if I was ever going to find you. It was _two days_ before I managed to find those dolphins and they were the ones who led me here. If not for them, I'd still be lost at sea!"

"Edward," Rosalie said, "It hasn't been days, or weeks, it hasn't even been _hours_. You were gone for _30 minutes_."

"Edward," Jasper spat, "Were you paying attention to any of the dolphin lessons I gave you? You just said 'Stinky sock, smelly shoe' to those poor dolphins! You're a disgrace to all dolphin speakers." Jasper spun away and marched towards the house

"Oh, was that all? It seemed like much longer when you were out there. And that would explain why the dolphins couldn't understand a word I was saying. Well, shall we go inside?" And he strode past us and headed off towards the house. We exchanged looks but headed inside anyway.

The Cullen's beach house looked a lot like their regular house, with big bay windows, tan hardwood floors and a lot of light beach colors on the walls. We all washed the sand off our feet and headed inside to unpack. Edward was using the bathtub down the hall from our bedrooms and singing loudly while we worked and we all assumed he was washing away all the sea life. Why we assumed he was doing something normal when "normal" usually involved cross-dresses and minor copyright infringement we don't know. Unfortunately we discovered that Jasper had done the packing and each suitcase was filled with only one type of clothes: one case for pants, one for socks, one for bikini tops, one for bathing suit shorts, etc. And of course we were missing the suitcase with all our underwear in it.

"Don't worry Bella," Esme said. "We'll work all this out. Why don't you give Edward a set of clean clothes and a towel?" She handed me the clothes and pointed me down the hall to the bathroom.

I knocked tentatively, afraid that I'd open the door and Edward would be naked. Or worse, Jasper would naked. "Edward, you better be decent!"

"I'm more than decent. I'm _fi-ine_."

"You know what I meant! Are you clothed or at least covered?"

"Yes."

"Good." I opened the door cautiously. "Esme wanted me to bring you a-AAAAAHHHH!" Edward had turned the bathtub around and was lying on his stomach facing me. He was sucking in his cheeks and making a fish face and flopping around, splashing water everywhere. To top it all off he had on a rainbow sparkly cocktail dress and kept chucking goldfish at me. "That's it," I said as a goldfish hit me in the eye, "I'm out of here."

I slammed the door and marched down the stairs, ignoring all the goldfish in my hair, and going past Emmett and Rosalie's new room. "Bella, wait," she yelled. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know, but I'm not staying here!"

I got all the way down the stairs before Rosalie had caught me by the shirt and was spinning me around. "What happened? What are you _doing_?" I popped open the buttons on my shirt, spun out of the sleeves and was shirtless and out the door in two seconds flat. Unfortunately Rosalie outside and grabbing my skirt in two and half seconds flat. "What is going on here, Bella? This may be a deserted island but that doesn't mean _we can't still see you_."

"Oh please, Jasper's practically a girl and Edward is a fish!"

"Is that what this is about?"

"No!" I unzipped my skirt and was storming across the sand in a bra and bathing suit bottoms in the next second.

"Bella, why aren't you wearing underwear? Never mind. Look, I don't know what's upset you so much, Edward's always acting weird, this time he's just doing it in an exotic location. Bella, you just need to _put on your big girl panties and deal with it!_"

"I _can't_!"

"Why _not?_"

"_I DON'T HAVE ANY PANTIES!_"

_BOOM_

"You do now," Rosalie said.

"COWABUNGA!"

JPOV

Alice finally got roped me into helping unpack and I was in the middle of sorting all of Edward's socks into rainbow knee-high, rainbow thigh-high, women's, rainbow ankle socks, lace and rainbow toe socks when I heard Bella's heartfelt confession that she had forgotten to pack underwear. The good news was that I had plenty of extra ones for her to borrow. I hope she doesn't mind penguin print thongs.

"Jasper, keep working," Esme scolded.

"Sorry, Esme." I finished sorting Edward's socks and then started organizing his cocktail dresses into sequins, fringe, feathers, or all of the above. I looked up for a moment and discovered that it had started raining outside. But it wasn't any ordinary rain. "_IT'S RAINING PANTIES_!" I ran outside, giggling like a schoolgirl.

EsPOV

"JASPER! Don't make up ridiculous lies about-oh, I guess it _is _raining panties." I went back to folding and sorting clothes. "Maybe this means that Emmett is home." I held up a pink mono-kini bathing suit with rhinestone flowers over it. "Now, is this Edward's, Jasper's or Carlisle's bathing suit?"

BPOV

There was a giant boom and then suddenly panties starting raining down from the sky. We both looked up, constantly throwing bras and panties off our faces and caught a clear view of Emmett sailing down through the air holding onto something that looked suspiciously like a bra.

"Where's the-" there was a heavy _thunk _and a spray of sand as the suitcase landed a foot away from where Rosalie and I were standing. "There it is."

We watched as Emmett glided down and landed gently in the water. He swaggered over to us and held out the bra. "Rosalie, I believe this belongs to you. I must thank you. If it weren't for your-" There was a loud _smack _as Rosalie slapped Emmett across the face. He was still smiling though one side of his face looked significantly more scrunched than the other. "Hi, Bella," he said, turning to me. "My, you're looking particularly naked today."

I looked down and screamed, instantly turning bright red. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten that I was in my underwear. I turned and ran back into the house, trying to cover myself with my arms.

RPOV

I don't know why Bella was so embarrassed. She had worn a lot less in front of us. Look at that bunny outfit during Halloween when we made that **Vampire-O-Lantern.** Then again, she'd be wearing a lot less in front of us soon if Alice and I got our way and were allowed to dress her for the beach. But she still blushed red and ran into the house, slamming the front door behind her. A few seconds later she was running back outside, still screaming with her arms still covering her. She grabbed a pair of underwear out of a low branch of a tree and ran back inside.


	3. Hairy, Noisy, Pantsless

**Sorry for the long delay, things have been going on for Sheika . . . and she's pretty much the one in charge of writing and posting and responding and all that jazz . . . anywho. New chapter with everybody's favorite hairy, noisy, pants-less character! Chewbacca? No, Newton! I'm sorry, I really like that gag, I want to use it more often but it is surprisingly hard to fit into everyday life, even with one of my best guy friends being obsessed with Star Wars . . . NOT THE POINT! This chapter is crazy, next one up eventually with some actual fun in the sun.**

**Characters (however distantly related to the originals) are (c) Stephanie Meyer**

Chapter 3 – Hairy, Noisy and Pants-less

APOV

Everyone was busy with something. Bella had locked herself in her new room and was refusing to come out, even to get clothes. At the moment she was considering making clothes out of the curtains like Maria had done in Sound of Music. I didn't need to tell her how disastrous this would turn out. Especially because the curtains were made of sheer lace. Jasper had gone off to explore the amusement park, I wouldn't have been worried but he came running back a few minutes later to pick up a welder's mask, torch and several crates of scrap metal that had apparently been left here by the people who built the house. Which raised the question, is the house made out of nothing but steel and if there's a lightning storm, will we all die? Well, will Bella die?

Esme had decided the house smelled terrible and had taken to setting up air fresheners every two feet, decorating each room with a different kind of air freshener. Potpourri in one room, incense in another, candles, automatic sprayers, fabric and carpet fresheners in others. Of course the most noticeable was the microwave with the fraying wires plugged into an overused outlet with a microwave unsafe bowl inside with eggs and marshmallow peeps in the bowl. We quickly dubbed that room the "Fire Room" and generally steered clear of it. The good news was that the house seemed to be made of metal so we were all safe . . . as long as no one touched the walls or stood in one place for too long without rubber shoes.

Edward had duct taped the bathroom door open and was throwing goldfish at anyone who passed by. Emmett took this as a challenge and started pelting various bras and panties every time Edward launched a goldfish. And when the underwear supply ran out, they simply switched ammunition and Edward launched bras while Emmett pelted goldfish. Rosalie was busy sorting clothes into their proper closets and that left me and Carlisle sitting around with nothing to do.

"So," Carlisle said as he sat next to me on the couch. "How's school?"

He was clearly reaching for some topic of conversation and it dawned on me that I hadn't had a real conversation with Carlisle in a very long time. "Carlisle, I know you can do better than that. 'How's school,' honestly, you sound like some stupid mortal dad. Like Charlie, even."

Carlisle made a face. "I know, it's disgusting isn't it? But what should we do? Something wacky and completely unlike us, I think."

"Video games it is." We found our way into the living room where a giant flat screen TV awaited us. We grabbed the Rock Band equipment, Carlisle taking the guitar and microphone while I settled in behind the drums. I tried to tell Carlisle that I could play the second guitar with my foot but he insisted that I just stick to the drums. We warmed up with an easy song and then started our real performance.

BPOV

I was determined to ignore Edward and was reading on my bed when Esme came in with a bottle of fabric freshener and began spraying everything in the room, including me.

"Esme do you know what's going on downstairs?"

"No," she said, stopping to consider the noise. "I left Alice and Carlisle down in the living room but I have no idea what they're doing. Would you like to go see? I still have to freshen that room, we'll go together."

"Esme," I said as she took my hand, "Maybe you didn't notice but I'm not dressed and the only thing in the closet is this 1980s rock star costume." Esme stuck her head into the closet and started laughing.

"Oh, Bella, darling, this isn't a costume. Oh, I wore this back in the '80s to go to a concert with Carlisle. Here, try it on, I'll bet it'll fit you great." I reluctantly put the outfit on, more so to cover me than anything else. There was a bubblegum pink shirt that had the stretched out neck so that only one shoulder was actually in the right place and the other one was around your elbow. It came with a blue sequined tube top to wear underneath and ended just below my hips. There were little drawstrings on either side that hitched the edges of the pink shirt up a little higher. Then there were fishnet leggings in a lighter pink that went just past my knee and silver sparkling heels. The shirt had a couple silver stars on one shoulder and came with a giant, gaudy silver belt, this one with blue stars on it, which hung loosely around my hips. I turned to look at Esme, hoping she'd laugh.

"It's a bit loose on you, but it'll work."

I had no idea what she was talking about. It was one shallow breath away from being completely skin tight on me. One deep yoga breath and I'd be popping out all over the place. Nonetheless Esme put some bright pink lipstick and way too much eye shadow on me and led me out of the room.

"How are we going to get downstairs," I asked. "If we go left we have to go by the Fire Room and if we go right we have to pass through Emmett and Edward's war zone."

"Don't worry about the war zone," Esme said, turning dark all of a sudden. "I've got just the thing to take care of them." We snuck down the hall and pressed ourselves against the wall before peeking around the corner. "We'll have to run through the danger zone, but don't worry, this'll distract them." She held up a small round container with a pull tab at the top.

"Esme is that a-"

"Yes, it's a bomb. A bug bomb. Guaranteed to rid your house of pests. Warning: Contains flammable materials, contents under pressure. Do not use near open flame. Brought to you by-"

"Esme! Focus."

"Sorry. I'll throw this in, and then we have to run past it, that's the only way we can escape without being pelted with cheese flavored fish shaped snacks and women's undergarments." She took my hand, "It'll be dangerous, Bella, I'm not going to lie but do you think you can do this?"

"Esme, I don't-"

"_Can you do this?_"

"I don't know!"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes," I squeezed her hand. "Yes, of course I do." We locked eyes for a moment and I took a deep breath. "Esme if we don't survive this-"

"We will."

"Just _listen_. If we don't survive this, I want you to know . . . I love you, you're the best mother a girl could have."

"Oh Bella," Esme said, her voice choked with emotion. She pulled me in close and hugged me tight. We both held on for a moment and then slowly pulled away. "You ready?"

"On three."

"One," she said, pulling the tab on the bug bomb.

"Two . . ."

"Three."

Esme threw the bomb into the very heart of the battle but for a moment it didn't look like that would stop the barrage of crackers and bras. But then, slowly, they stopped, I was vaguely aware of a soft ticking noise and of Esme yelling "run" and pulling me up.

EsPOV

It was a clear shot. The clock was ticking and we had to do it now. I shot out into the heart of the battlefield, leaping over the bomb and covering my head as I came under fire. I ducked and rolled and landed safely on the other side just as the bomb went off, throwing shrapnel everywhere and covering the entire battlefield in smoke. I turned to the side to congratulate Bella on making it through but she wasn't next to me.

"Bella? Bella! Bella," I screamed, moving as close as I dared to the battlefield. But there was only silence, deadly silence. "Oh, Bella! She didn't make it. Oh Bella, what a way to go." I pressed my face into my hands and cried tearlessly. _What a horrible way to die_, I thought. _She didn't even become a vampire. Oh man, Edward is going to kill me._ I stilled. _Maybe if I just make it look like it was an accident . . . she gets into lots of accidents._

"Geez, you'd think that someone just died or something."

I spun around and there stood Bella, in all her '80s glory. "You survived," I gasped, stating the obvious like some ordinary human. "But how?"

"I was out before the bomb went off but I was ambushed by Jasper," I looked closer and sure enough, she was wearing a lot more glitter than before. "But I shooed him away, he smelled like burning metal and said he still had work to do." Suddenly there was more screeching from downstairs. "Oh yeah," Bella said, "I forgot that we were going to go find out what was going on downstairs. What was that like two hours ago?"

I checked my watch. "Two minutes."

"Really? Oh."

BPOV

We walked downstairs and discovered that Carlisle and Alice were rocking out to a death metal song on Wii Rock Band. Alice was rocking out on drums, throwing her entire tiny body into it and Carlisle was simultaneously denting – I mean, playing the guitar and screaming out lyrics. We watched in stunned silence as Carlisle launched into the ending guitar solo, head banging so hard that his hair grew several inches and whirled around his face. It was amazing he was still hitting every note perfectly and then, at the end, he raised the guitar up above his head and smashed it repeatedly onto the floor. Alice kicked over the drum kit and stomped on it. Carlisle then lit the guitar rubble on fire in a tribute to Jimi Hendrix.

"Oh, it looks like this room is already being fragranced," Esme said, before calmly walking out, apparently unimpressed by the death metal concert Carlisle and Alice were giving in the living room.

I didn't know what else to do, so I clapped. "That was really . . . interesting, guys."

"Oh, thank you, Bella," Carlisle said, turning around to face me, his hair completely back to normal. "Would you like to join us?"

"I would, but I don't think Rock Band is going to work anymore."

Sure enough on the screen instead of telling you how many notes you hit there was a message flashing. "Rating: Obliterated. Equipment: Obliterated. Buy a new game to continue."

So we dumped the flaming wreckage into the Fire Room and went back to the game cabinet to see what else there was to play. And we found the perfect thing.

EsPOV

It occurred to me later that we already had a fire-scented room and that we didn't need a second one. I marched downstairs to scold Carlisle for trying to reuse scents and to place some incense to freshen up the place. I walked in and had already set up a few sticks of incense before I noticed what Carlisle, Alice and Bella were doing. They had found a Disney Sing-Along game and had taken parts for the Lion King's "I Just Can't Wait To Be King." Alice was belting out Nala's lyrics; Bella had claimed Simba and Carlisle was growling out Zazu's lyrics. They all joined together for the animal's lyrics and I watched as Bella and Alice got more and more excited at the end of the song.

When they reached the last line they were getting really excited and started kicking over furniture and throwing pillows. Then they threw down their microphones and stomped on them. Carlisle, suddenly loving the idea of breaking things, joined in, smashing his own microphone and then grabbing the Wii console and helping Alice and Bella smash it on the ground. When that wasn't enough they picked up the rubble and threw it out the window.

"That's it," I said. "Everybody outside! We're going to play on the beach."

Newton's POV

I was really starting to get the hang of flying! My dad, wanting only the best for me-

Newton's Dad's POV

Boy was I glad to have Mike out of the house for the summer. I felt a little bad about dumping him on my brother, but he was rich after all. He'd probably throw Newton onto the smallest of his planes or one of his ships or trains and send him off with as little training as he could get away with, half praying for a plane crash or a crippling sense of homesickness that would send him flying back into my arms. The little snot. He was just so whiny and pathetic, why couldn't he see that _no one likes him!_

Newton's POV

-had sent me off to stay with my uncle for a few weeks during the summer to help me adjust to a different lifestyle and learn some valuable skills, such as learning to fly a plane! Admittedly the first few tries had ended with me almost crashing or hurting someone, Uncle Fig seemed to know about as much about planes as I did, though I often caught him flying the larger and fancier airplanes without problem. When I questioned him, though, he claimed that he had learned through experience and not once set foot into the piloting school a few blocks from home. And when the teachers from that piloting school would come to visit, recalling old memories of Fig Newton and his adventures in class, my uncle would either claim these to be false or else explain that I had fallen asleep and was dreaming. At that point everyone would start making "oooooooo" noises and wave their arms as they retreated out of the room. And then a giant dancing penguin in a bikini would show up and I'd know I was dreaming.

But I had finally gotten the hang of flying and wanted to set out on a little journey. Around the world in eighty minutes or less or my pizza would be free! So I packed a few provisions, beef jerky, Lamen, the cheaper, knock-off version of Ramen, which was all I could afford, and several bottles of SoBe water, which always tasted interesting and I was sure I would never get tired of it.

Anyway, I had already passed my eighty minute mark, having accidentally passed over Canada four times, and over Russia twice, each time only narrowly escaping the missiles they shot at me, in my attempt to find my way down to sunny Florida where I had heard Bella had gone to stay with her mother. Surely if I could win the heart of her family they would not hesitate in giving me the hand of their daughter in an arranged marriage. I think I went too far, however, as the sunny people-filled beaches with large signs, visible even for airplanes, which declared "THIS IS FLORIDA" soon gave way to endless stretches of open ocean.

Eventually, however, I spotted a few of islands floating in the sea ahead of me. I steered towards them, hoping that there were friendly people there who could help me find my way back home, or at least give me some food. Luckily I had not run out of gas and did not appear to be in danger of doing so anytime soon, even though I had been traveling nonstop for days. As I neared I noticed that the island was in fact inhabited and that there were large signs in several languages saying they would welcome lost or weary travelers and planes. I angled downward and started towards that island but just beyond that I saw another island strewn with unmistakable piles of bras and panties. They were all brightly colored and varied in size and shape and were all unmistakably designer.

My heart leapt in my throat, I thought for sure that a Victoria's Secret plane had crash landed on or near the island leaving, by the looks of it, not only a captain and several crates of undergarments stranded but also a whole crew of beautiful underwear models. Models who, after a long swim to the island, the other plane was nowhere in sight, would have ditched their clothes and instead chosen to strut around in various matching bra and panty sets all day long. And who are undoubtedly in need of rescuing. NEWTON TO THE RESCUE!

RPOV

Esme shepherded us all out onto the warm beaches and told us to enjoy ourselves out here in the sunlight while she took care of the house for a little while. There wasn't much to do on Isle Esme and we heard the distant sounds of a plane rumbling in the distance so we thought it would be better to start out through the forest of trees on Isle Carlisle. Not really wanting to go hiking however, I was reluctant to go too far; at least until I remembered that I had fashionable hiking boots back at the house. So I ditched everyone else and headed back towards the house. It was lucky I did because the plane had landed and there was a most unexpected visitor trolling around our beach with surprisingly lumpy clothes.

Ordinarily I wouldn't have given this much thought, he was a bit chunky to begin with, however this added to the fact that all the underwear, which it had been my job to clean up and sort had disappeared led to suspicion. And the fact that he kept saying, "I've just stolen all the Victoria's Secret models' underwear!" helped too. So I did what any rational person who is confronted with someone they really don't like, while on vacation in a tropical island, who happens to be stealing all my underwear: I kidnapped him. I threw the pillowcase we had used for Bella over his head, quickly making a mental note to burn it after I was finished using it and led him through the jungle towards the amusement park where Jasper had spent his entire morning.

Of course it didn't take long to get there but Newton still had to ask all the stupid questions. "Who are you? Why are you doing this? Are you a natural redhead?"

"I'm blonde, you jerk."

By now we had reached the amusement park and I was heating up the caramel in a candy apple shop.

"Rosalie Cullen? Wow, I didn't know you were a Victoria's Secret model."

"I'm not, but I'm flattered. Just for that I think I'll-"

"I mean you've got a great body but you really aren't the kind of girl they'd hire for Victoria's Secret ads."

I stared at him for a minute. "Just for that, I'm not going to let the caramel cool." And with that I pushed him into the vat of boiling caramel.

BPOV

"I'm bored."

"We know."

"I'm bored."

"We _know_."

"I'm _bored_."

"We _know!_"

"_I'm_ bored."

"_We_ know."

"_I'm bored_."

"_We know!_"

"I-"

"_Jasper_," I screeched, "stop putting emphasis on different parts of the sentence each time you say it! It's not funny!"

"I'm sorry." A smile crept over his face. "_I'm_ sorry. I'm _sorry_. _I'm-_"

"_JASPER!_"

"I apologize, Bella," Carlisle said. "If I had known how irritating he turned out . . . well I probably wouldn't have done anything different but I would have warned you."

"Would it make you feel better if you could hit him with a bat," Alice asked as Edward started in by accusing Emmett of "_losing_ all the gold fish."

I thought about it. "You know what; I think that would make me feel better."

"Well here ya go, take a swing!" Alice thrust a heavy steel bat into my hand and lined up Jasper so that no matter what happened, I'd be satisfied. I wound up and was about to sink my bat into Jasper's stomach when Rosalie came running up.

"Wait! Wouldn't you rather hit a piñata instead?"

We all turned around and found Rosalie already hoisting a bright pink, fluffy piñata into the air. "Cool," I yelled, rushing over and readying my bat. "Wait, is this going to be like last time?"

"No, this is not Jacob."

"Is there a person in there?"

"I repeat, it's not Jacob."

"Good enough for me!"

We pulverized the heck out of that piñata, ignoring its screams of agony and pleads for mercy. I helped myself to bits of the caramel shell, cutting myself repeatedly on the edges and spilling blood everywhere. The Cullens then sponged that up with bits of cotton candy.

"Seriously, though," I said, between bites of caramel. "Who's inside that piñata?"

"I'll give you a hint: he's hairy, noisy and pants-less."

I tried to remember who, besides Chewbacca, was hairy, noisy and pants-less but it seemed like so long since I had heard the joke, so I just chewed on my caramel, spit out some blood and took another swing. Every time we broke through another layer of caramel shell, underwear or a bra fell out. And they all looked really familiar. I knew I had seen those ruffled, boy-short panties somewhere before and then it hit me: Carlisle! This was _our_ underwear!

Everyone else seemed to realize this and began beating the piñata into submission. Finally the last bits of caramel fell off, and fell onto the dirt. I picked it up and made a face. "Ewww, now it's got dirt all over it, I can't eat it now." I dropped it back onto the ground, disgusted with it.

Everyone turned to look at me. "But Bella," Edward said, "You're been eating caramel off the ground for the past five minutes."

"Yeah," I said, "but that one had something brown on it. It could have been, you know, animal poop."

"Actually," Jasper said, picking it up and examining it, "It's a chocolate chip."

"Oooh, gimme!"

I shoved the caramel in my mouth and chomped on it eagerly, spilling more blood. Edward managed to restrain himself for a moment. "Bella, why did you trust Jasper's judgment? He doesn't even _know_ what a chocolate chip is!"

I slowly stopped chewing. "I don't think that was a chocolate chip."

"What was it?"

"I think it was a cockroach." I spit the bug out and it just happened to land on the back of the former piñata's head, who began running around wildly trying to get rid of the bug. Everyone slowly stopped what they were doing and formed a circle around the piñata who was completely oblivious, still screaming and trying to get rid of the cockroach. Finally Alice flicked it out of his hair and he sighed and stopped moving.

"Oh thank you." He looked up and realized he was surrounded by six Cullens and me. "Uh, hi guys."

"Hello Newton," we chorused.

"How did you find us?" Rosalie asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

He hesitated, "Mike's First Law of Women: Where there's lingerie, there are Victoria's Secret models."

"Well that's pretty offensive," I said loudly.

"Oh I disagree, even if there aren't Victoria's Secret models where there's skimpy underwear there are girls who would probably be very flattered to be called a Victoria's Secret model."

"Funny how you didn't try that line on any of us! Honestly, I'm insulted; I have the body of a girl half my age!"

"Jasper? Why are you insulted?"

"Don't," Alice said warningly.

"You are such a pig," I screamed, "I want to punch you right now!"

"Mike's Second Law of Women: What goes up does not have to come down. Especially in regards to Bella's temper."

Edward had to restrain me from strangling Newton right then and there.

"Look, Newton, we'll be frank here. We don't like you," Carlisle said. "So we're going to ship you back to the US and you are going to forget you ever came here and made such an idiot of yourself. And one more thing, it would be funnier if you called them 'Newton's Laws.' "

After that the Cullens gave Newton some food and stuffed him in a box that was lined with some soft green leaves. They sure did smell funny, though. I could have sworn that I had seen or smelled those leaves somewhere, like at one of the crazy parties that Charlie had to go end. So we sealed the crate and sent it off towards the island . . . somehow, I don't really remember how it got there, or where we managed to find the crate, or anything that happened for the rest of the night. The clearest memory I have is sitting on the beach surrounded by a lot of red things and hearing Emmett say, "I seem to have eaten seventeen people," and somebody yelling, "_Carl!_"


	4. The Completely Normal Day

**I don't even remember the last time we updated . . . the good news is: I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN INTO COLLEGE~ yay for me. :) Anyway, WE PROMISE TO TRY AND UPDATE MORE BEFORE THE YEAR ENDS!**

Chapter 4 – The Completely Normal Day

BPOV

When I woke up again I was lying in bed next to Edward, who seemed normal for the time being, and a faint sunlight was streaming in through the window, causing Edward's skin to shimmer slightly. The house was silent and I needed to strain my ears to pick up the faint noises of the Cullens pretending to be human, the slight creak of a floorboard, the turning of a page in a book or magazine or the soft voices on the TV. The whole perfect scene was, quite frankly, disturbing. I got up and discovered that I had been put into pajamas. But not pink frilly pajamas with little vampires on them, not slutty pajamas or even a t-shirt with a stupid picture or perverted phrase on it. Just green sleep pants with polka dots on them and a light blue tank top.

I put on my slippers, which were free of shaving cream or other nasty surprises and headed downstairs with Edward into the kitchen where I found my favorite cereal in the cabinet, pancake mix, eggs, bacon, milk, orange juice and all the utensils and cookware I would need to make an ordinary breakfast. I could hear the TV a little better now and it had been left on a show about people buying their first house. Getting more creeped out by the second I had a quick bowl of cereal, still surprised when absolutely nothing went wrong, and headed into the living room.

It was like I was in a completely different world. Rosalie was flipping through a fashion magazine, Alice was painting her nails, Jasper, who was dressed in _male_ clothing, was playing checkers with Emmett and Carlisle had his arm around Esme on the couch, leisurely watching the TV. To complete the picture Edward strolled over to a small piano I hadn't noticed before and started playing softly. It was like we were living in some boring book and the only way to pass the time was to ramble on about how extremely perfect Edward was or how entirely ordinary I was, especially in comparison to Edward, whose name would be accompanied by at least three adjectives, alternating between dazzling and breathtaking.

"_Okay, seriously_," I yelled finally. "_What on Earth is going on here?_"

Esme stood up. "Well Bella, dear, we just thought we should really treat this like a vacation and get away from our normal selves. Lately, however, we've been acting crazier and crazier so the only way to get away from that is to act normal. So, this is going to be a normal, human, family vacation to the beach."

"Can we not?"

"No, we have to do this."

"Just for one day?"

She thought for a moment. "Alright, if it's really bad after one day then we'll go back to our old selves."

"Agreed," everyone chorused.

"Now," Esme said, "Since Bella is up why don't we all get changed and we'll go out onto the beach and play in the sand and in the waves for a while. Boys I have your swimsuits laid out in the guest room, girls follow me."

*POV

"Oh you've got it going on today. You look good, and you know it! Over a hundred years and not a day over twenty. Look at that stomach, it's sexy hot. And check out that butt. Could fry and egg on that _thang_, slap some icing on those _buns_. Back to the front. Look at that; you've got two, four, six, eight, _ten_ delicious squares of hot abdominal to share with the ladies. Even more than Taylor Lautner, whoever that is. You may be modest now, with your man shorts cover up but _damn boy_, you're looking _fi-ine_ in that thongy Speedo. And would you look at those legs. _OH!_ Sugar, those legs could talk a cactus out of its needles in two seconds flat. All smooth and hairless and silky strong.

"Now look at your face. Those lips are just _made_ for pouting. One little smudge of lipstick and you've got two rose petals, honey! And that tongue. It can tie a cherry stem into a knot in a half a second, not that it needs to. All that tongue has to do is look at a cherry and the whole darn thing just knots itself up right then and there. The girls are just throwing themselves at you, trying to reach up and stroke your silky locks of hair. Like that one down there, why look, she's even running to get to me. _Hell-o, darling! I'm up here, oh but don't come up here just yet, my wife's here. _Oh, these girls are just chasing after me; they're all so young I'm surprised they can walk!"

I turned around to admire my backside a little more. "Just look at that thing. Carved from marble by Leonardo da Vinci, himself. It glows with pure, raw power even from beneath your hot little man shorts. But why hide such a thing of beauty from the world? Why don't you just-"

"Carlisle?"

I turned around; Edward was standing behind me and looking very confused. "Yes," I asked. "What is it?"

"What are you _doing_?"

"Admiring myself," I said. "It's this mirror, it makes anyone instantly more attractive and you can't help but admire yourself in a vainglorious fashion. Try it."

EPOV

I didn't really believe what Carlisle was saying about the mirror. That is, until I stepped up to it. For a split second, I was a Greek God. Adonis, if you will. I felt as though there had been someone following me around and describing my every action with too many adjectives, often the same one just rephrased and repeated over and over again. And then, the mirror shattered completely, littering the ground with large, pointy shards.

Next to me I could hear Carlisle repressing sniggers. "Well, son," there were muffled sniggers. "Sometimes things like this just," more sniggers, "happen for absolutely no reason whatso-" he broke down then, holding his sides and laughing hysterically. Emmett poked his head into the room, instantly wanting to know what was so funny. "Edward broke the mirror," Carlisle gasped.

Emmett laughed a booming laugh that shook the house and sent a shower of dust and bits of drywall raining down onto us. "Well that's easily fixed," he said. Emmett positioned himself in front of the glass-less mirror and gripped the edges of his Hawaiian shirt, which was buttoned all the way up to the top. "Oh," he said, undoing the first button. "Oh," the next one. "Let's go!" With one fluid movement he tore open his shirt, a bright flash blinding us and glitter and white feathers raining down upon us. Heavenly voices sang a chorus that gently caressed the ears and born unto us were Emmett's abs. Oddly enough that wasn't the strangest part, in fact that was quite normal for us. The really strange part was that in the presence of Emmett's abs, the mirror magically healed itself, the pieces flying back into their frame and sealing together. Then Emmett closed his shirt and the magic was lost.

"And that's how it's done," he said.

"Wait, what's happening to the mirror now?"

"Oh no, my abs were too sexy for it, it's gonna blow!"

For a minute I thought that was really going to happen, the mirror was warping and shifting unnaturally. Though I really should have been expecting this. Jasper suddenly appeared on the other side, sprinting towards us at a vampire's speed. We had just enough time to scatter before he burst out of the mirror, which didn't shatter or even twitch as Jasper hurdled through it.

"Alright," I said, "I know this isn't any ordinary mirror but there's no way you could have done that and not shattered the mirror. What's going on here?"

"Oh Edward," Jasper said. "This isn't a mirror at all! It's all just sand. See?" And with that Jasper sucked in a giant breath and blew the entire mirror away, out the window. We all just stared for a moment. This was a new level of crazy, even for us.

"No one tells Esme," Carlisle said. "We're supposed to keep this day normal and I refuse to get in trouble for this!"

"Oh you're just worried that if you get in trouble she'll remember that you were flirting with the ticket lady at the airport."

"_She told me_-now is not the time for that. Let's get changed and get downstairs to collect our money. I mean play on the beach." Carlisle checked the hallway and then whispered, "Does everyone remember their bets?"

"Yep," we whispered back.

"Good, then let's go."

EsPOV

"Come on, everyone, gather 'round. We're going to do something fun and traditional and completely normal." I looked out at the sea of sparkling vampire faces, none of which looked very impressed, and at the one pink human face which was currently twisted in agony as Bella forgot to put on her sunglasses and was currently being blinded by seven vampire disco balls. "Bella put on your glasses already!" I threw eight pairs of sunglasses at her and she missed every one, finally stumbling and lying facedown in the sand, apparently content with the lack of blinding sparkles. And oxygen. "We're going to have a _barbeque!_"

EPOV

The next twenty minutes were utter torture and several people considered resorting to cannibalism just to avoid eating Esme's barbeque. Several small houses caught on fire, three trains were called into existence just to crash due to the terrible smell and an unmanned helicopter crashed into the ocean due to all the smoke in the air. Of course by the time Bella woke up everything was back to normal and she suggested that we go swimming and try surfing to make the day go faster.

"Because clearly nothing interesting is happening around here," she said.

None of us bothered to correct her and while none of us had gone surfing before we had seen enough from movies to understand the basic gist of it and were positive that Bella would be absolutely horrible at it. She could barely keep her balance on flat land, proof of this, as if it was needed, could be found when she walked up the perfectly flat path to the shed and stumbled three times before toppling over while standing perfectly still.

Bella, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and I all waxed up surf boards and Rosalie brought out the new bathing suits we would need, apparently, for surfing. Esme had gotten me and Bella matching his-and-hers wetsuits, Emmett had tried to give Alice and Jasper matching cross-dresser-and-hers bikinis but Rosalie shooed him away before Esme could notice and claim the prize money.

Esme and Carlisle stayed on the beach, in matching cover-ups, apparently the couples swimwear outlet was having a sale, either that or families were required to wear corny matching outfits all the time on vacations, and set up a camcorder and took out their digital cameras to get pictures of us.

So we paddled out and the strangest thing happened. A wave came and Bella caught it and she stood up on her board and she _didn't fall off_. She rode that wave farther than . . . well farther than Jasper riding a greased-up wok down a waterslide lined with a slip-and-slide during a tsunami. And trust me, he gets pretty far doing that, we have contests every year to see how far he goes, the locals in China look forward to our visit every year. In fact, everyone seemed to be getting the hang of surfing. Rosalie, of course, insisted on only sitting at the head of Emmett's surf board but she would do little tricks and things for the camera.

Everyone, of course, except me. I couldn't understand how Bella was doing so well. She couldn't sit down without hurting herself; frankly, doctors all over the world were baffled as to how she was still alive. By all reasonable predictions, she should have been dead for at least ten to fifteen years by now.

"Bella how are you so good at this," I asked after I wiped out for the eighth time in a row. You have horrible balance."

"Well Edward," she said, "You just have to find your center of balance. And you know how mine is usually . . ."

"Terrible," I offered.

"Horrendous," Emmett supplied.

"Weaker than a feather," Rosalie said.

"Wobblier than jell-o, now with a new wobblier, wigglier recipe," Jasper asked, Velcro-ing his feet to his surf board for a reason that would probably become apparent very soon.

"Worse than wearing pajama pants to school on a Tuesday," Alice asked.

"The worst in recorded history of all organic life forms found since the beginning of time," Carlisle yelled from the shore.

"More dangerous than a room without an air freshener," Esme asked, aghast.

"Well I was going to say it's usually off-center but when I'm on the waves its like my uneven center of balance evens out because it's on an uneven surface."

"That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Hey, it works." As if to illustrate this Bella caught another perfect wave in to shore and I wiped out again.

After I resurfaced and dug the seaweed and crabs out of my hair I noticed something odd. "Is that Jasper," I asked Alice. We looked and sure enough there was Jasper, surfing with his feet strapped to his surfboard, riding a wave, upside-down.

JPOV

"FISH-A-BUNGA," I yelled. I was catching some sweet waves upside-down. I don't know why more people don't do this. Sure the humans would drown and you get a lot of fish and seaweed in your mouth but it's so much better than regular surfing. "FISH-A-BUNGA!"

EPOV

Jasper was trying to shout something but to me it just sounded like . . . well, it sounded like . . .

RPOV

WHARRGARBL!

EmPOV

WHARRGARBL!

APOV

WHARRGARBL!

EsPOV

WHARRGARBL!

CPOV

.

Jacob's POV

"WHARRGARBL!"

Fifteen people screamed and fell out of their chairs. Eight guys accidentally transformed into wolves. Six girls spilled their water bottles. And somewhere, a jerk named Mike Newton wet his pants. "Jacob," the teacher yelled. "Why on earth did you just scream 'wharrgarbl' in the middle of class? We were taking a test!"

"I don't know! I just felt an overwhelming and unstoppable urge to scream that all of a sudden." I knew the teacher wouldn't believe me so I figured I might as well get something out of this. "Like now how I can't stop . . . TAKING MY SHIRT OFF!" I ripped my t-shirt to shreds, which was a bit disappointing; I liked that shirt, and then jumped up on my desk. "WHARRGARBL," I screamed again. "I can't stop it! It's telling me to run out of the classroom now!" And so I leaped off the table and, having always wanted to do this, jumped through a window and ran off into the distance, leaving school behind.

EPOV

. . . WHARRGARBL! It sounded like Jasper said wharrgarbl. I looked up at the shore and saw Esme glaring out at us.

"Edward," she said soft enough so that Bella couldn't hear, "You have 5 seconds to stop Jasper from surfing underwater. If Bella notices this, the day's normalcy will be destroyed and I will win the bet. 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . ."

I did the only thing I could think of. I leap off my board and tried to tackle my brother. Unfortunately, his short attention span struck again. A mere half second before I tackled him he jumped off his board, flying back past the waves screaming "_DOLPHINS!_" I crashed into the surfboard face-first and was promptly run over by Bella who shouted, "Sorry Rosalie" over her shoulder, despite the fact that Rosalie was in front of her. Then I was bitten in the ankle by Emmett who was wearing a rubber shark fin on his head.

"What are you _doing_," I demanded.

"It's my understanding that you need to play stupid, dangerous, and potentially harmful jokes on people. 'A shark bit your ankle' or 'a poisonous, deadly jelly fish just stung you' or 'YOU'RE HAIR IS ON FIRE!' "

"When has anyone ever played a 'Your hair is on fire' prank?"

"Didn't we do that last April Fool's Day?"

"No, we threw pies at Jacob and painted Bella's face like a clown."

"Oh. Well then I know what I'm doing next April Fool's Day!"

"You are not setting Bella's hair on fire!"

"Actually I was going to set your hair on fire."

I tried to tackle Emmett but unfortunately I'm about as balanced on the water as Bella is on land. I completely missed and ended up crashing into Jasper just as a big wave washed over us and my dolphin friends.

Dolphin's POV

"Jellyfish coral lagoon!"

"Oh no, the giant, ugly, talking choral monster is back again."

"Just ignore him, maybe he'll go away."

BPOV

I felt bad for running over Rosalie and I was beginning to wonder where Edward had gone and why he kept yelling after me that he wasn't a girl. I knew he wasn't a girl; maybe he was having an identity crisis. Maybe that's what the Cullens considered normal, I certainly didn't. Then again, I didn't consider most of what the Cullens did normal.

"Look guys," Jasper yelled. "I'm riding a dolphin!"

"HELP, I THINK A DOLPHIN'S RIDING _ME!_"

"Edward?"

"_Jasper?_"

There was a lot of screaming, cursing and a short musical number that ended with me getting hit over the head with something that felt oddly like a surfboard. The last thing I could remember is Emmett standing over me in the water and saying something along the lines of "_I found a dead body!_"


End file.
